Saturday, January 10, 2009

It's not always good

Tonight I'm in a bit of a depression. I've got a lot of things weighing down on me. If I spent too much time dwelling on them, they could surround and overtake me. Just got me to thinking that if someone read my blog up until now, it would seem like my life is always on the positive, and always moving forward - like there are no real problems that slow me down. Guess that's cause I write about the good things. But tonight I'm writing about the not so good things.

Transparency. I've heard this word so much in the last 4 months. I think it's a key word. It means not sugar-coating life, being authentic and real. Admitting what's really going on. I want to be more transparent. I get depressed sometimes. I have a great life - great job, great family, great future. But I get depressed sometimes, like tonight. I want to give up sometimes, to just stop caring about the things that are weighing me down. It would be easier that way, or so I think - I don't actually know. I want to go to bed and just sleep it off, and feel better in the morning. But part of me wants to stay up and deal with it - figure things out, get through it.

It's times like these that God strangely seems silent and far away. He's not of course, but this is an area of weakness and Satan and his demons are experts at taking advantage of weakness. I'm not saying people who get depressed are weak. I'm saying it can be a chink in our armor and the enemy guns for it when it's exposed. Every time I try to think about God or talk to Him tonight, it's like my thoughts are immediately cloudy or diverted and it's almost as if I get whisked away before I know what's happening. I KNOW God can help me through this, but it's almost like I can't quite get to Him. Alone, that's what the enemy is pushing for, me to feel alone, even though I'm not. But it feels like it, and alone is a heavy place to be. It weighs down and doesn't let up.

I'm not going to keep writing on here until I "work things out," but I know I eventually will. My depression is usually short lived. But I just wanted to say to everyone out there, this is who I am. I have a good relationship with Jesus, but it's not always good in my life. Just bein real.

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